I think the best feeling in the entire world is the feeling of peace after a storm. It seems that I have gone through battle after battle for the past year at the least. Things have been crazy and everything felt upside down. I went to college away from home and I went through a lot there. I began to question everything I knew to be true because of sleep deprivation and stress. I went to see a Psychologist because I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn't keep with with the day, my grades were the worst grades I had ever had. I felt lost and alone a lot of the time. I was diagnosed with mental illnesses and I was going to weekly sessions with a counselor just to have a person to talk to. Having Dr. Jones there for me got me through the school year and he made me feel like less of a psycho because he was the one person in the world that I felt understood what was going on in my head. Aside from that, he was the first person to actually listen when I told him that I thought I had a pretty good case of General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). After several sessions with him, he decided that I was right about myself and diagnosed me with GAD along with a phobia and possible depression.
There were days when I would wake up and have to convince myself that the day was worth living (not that I was suicidal, but I just didn't want to get out of bed, see people, or try to do anything in general). This wasn't because I was tired or lazy, I just had no motivation and even thinking about what I NEEDED to do would send me into panic attacks. Dr. Jones taught me relaxation techniques and how to help control my anxiety. He helped me realize that I had more control over anxiety than it had over me. He gave me the tools I needed to overcome the feeling of inevitable dread that looms over me. I still deal with anxiety and I still have panic attacks to this day, but I know that I don't have to let it control my life. Living with anxiety is so hard and people who don't deal with it really don't understand what it's like. I've had people tell me that it's not real and I just need to get over myself. To those people:
I am not faking my anxiety attacks. Panic really overtakes you and sometimes, you just have to let it take its course. I am not telling you lies or exaggerating so you will feel bad for me or give me attention. Maybe some people do, but I am not that person.
The most amazing feeling in the world is looking back at moments where you were stressed out and your anxiety levels were high. When you look back on those moments and you remind yourself of how the situation turned out, you realize that it was never really all that bad. Or maybe it was, but everything is okay now. Maybe you had a conflict with someone and now you have talked it out and things are better. Maybe you had anxiety over life in general and you see that you are still breathing and life is wonderful. You look back and you are thankful for the life you have because in this moment, not even anxiety can ruin your mood. Be thankful for those moments.
I still struggle everyday with anxiety, depression, and an extremely weird phobia, but nights like tonight are what makes life beautiful. Nights where I think back on the past few months and I realize that life really isn't so bad and I am gonna be okay. Nights where my mind is anxiety free despite the troubles and tasks of tomorrow. I am thankful for nights like this. I am beyond blessed!
xoxo
Monica
