The Post I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Write

I promised myself I would not write a post about the new year, but as I reflect on this past year, I realize that in my 22 years of life, I have aspired to do and be a lot of things. A writer, a musician, a mom, a wife, a scientist, a therapist, an influencer, a friend, a business owner, and tons of other things. And I wanted to be above average or even amazing at all these things. I am an overachiever in my head, but not in reality. I am a dreamer and I believe that I could do all these things, but I never put forth the effort for more than a few weeks to be great at the thousands of things I've aspired to do. I wanted to be a great mom and wife, have an amazing career, keep a clean and trendy house, blog, make music, attend church, do things I love, and be a wonderful daughter and friend all at the same time (probably more too). Honestly, I beat myself up about not being everything to everyone all the time. I long to have meaningful relationships with people while being the busiest person with hobbies, work, and family while also building a career at a company that I love.

Since it is the first of not only a new year, but also a new decade, I am realizing for the first time that what I am expecting of myself is utterly impossible. I can't be 'Pinterest Mom' and 'Career Mom' and 'Present Mom'. Just one of those things plus 'mom' is a chore on it's own. I have to learn to drop somethings from my plate. I can't expect myself to have unpacked and keep a perfect house while painting walls and refinishing furniture, especially only 2 months into the new house. I can'texpect myself to go to the grocery store, cook dinner, record music, play with my baby, clean the house, paint the bathroom, pick out new flooring, sand a dresser, and get a good night's rest all in the 5 hours I have after work every day.

This year, my only 'resolution' is to STOP. Stop pushing myself to be perfect at everything.

As an analytic person, I found myself wondering where this stems from so I can chop it off at the root. And honestly, it stems from the example I had growing up. My father could pick up ANYTHING, literally anything, and have it figured out enough to be proficient in about 10 minutes. This is no joke. My younger brother is the same way. It always used to make me so frustrated. I would study and practice so hard for days, weeks, years... and they would have it down in 10 minutes. In case you think I am exaggerating, here is an example. I play guitar. It took me 7 years to be proficient (from 9 years old to 16) and I am still just proficient another 6 years later. My dad picked up a crappy First Act guitar and was playing 'Smoke on the Water' and other basic guitar songs that he picked out BY EAR in 15 minutes. That is multiple songs in 15 minutes. It took me a week just to learn "Smoke on the Water".. which I have since forgotten. (P.S. this is not me throwing hate at my dad for being who he is.. this is just something that I have realized and know has to change for ME.)

The point of all that was now that I know where this need for perfection in every area comes from, I can begin the process of LETTING IT GO (cue Elsa). This is not something that I am going to do overnight, especially not on my own. I have to be willing and pliable to letting the Lord work on this part of myself that I have held so tightly to for many years now. I know that this is not an easy task because I so badly want to be amazing at everything my hands touch, but I have to relinquish that need for control in that area of my life. I have to completely surrender that part of myself over to Him. I know that once I do, it will be so freeing and it will relieve so much of the anxiety that I have gripping me. 

Something a church I was once a part of did every New Year was pick a word for the year. This year, my word is STOP. 

Stop and take a look at what you're doing. 

Stop being concerned if it is 'good enough', because it is. 

Stop striving for absolute perfection, because you will never reach it. Humanity gets in the way. 

Stop relying on the images others paint for you. Make your own picture. 

Stop holding on. 

Stop insisting that you have control over everything. Let Go. Let God. ( I always thought that saying was cheesy, but I kinda get it now)

Stop. Breathe. C'est la vie.