The Post I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Write

I promised myself I would not write a post about the new year, but as I reflect on this past year, I realize that in my 22 years of life, I have aspired to do and be a lot of things. A writer, a musician, a mom, a wife, a scientist, a therapist, an influencer, a friend, a business owner, and tons of other things. And I wanted to be above average or even amazing at all these things. I am an overachiever in my head, but not in reality. I am a dreamer and I believe that I could do all these things, but I never put forth the effort for more than a few weeks to be great at the thousands of things I've aspired to do. I wanted to be a great mom and wife, have an amazing career, keep a clean and trendy house, blog, make music, attend church, do things I love, and be a wonderful daughter and friend all at the same time (probably more too). Honestly, I beat myself up about not being everything to everyone all the time. I long to have meaningful relationships with people while being the busiest person with hobbies, work, and family while also building a career at a company that I love.

Since it is the first of not only a new year, but also a new decade, I am realizing for the first time that what I am expecting of myself is utterly impossible. I can't be 'Pinterest Mom' and 'Career Mom' and 'Present Mom'. Just one of those things plus 'mom' is a chore on it's own. I have to learn to drop somethings from my plate. I can't expect myself to have unpacked and keep a perfect house while painting walls and refinishing furniture, especially only 2 months into the new house. I can'texpect myself to go to the grocery store, cook dinner, record music, play with my baby, clean the house, paint the bathroom, pick out new flooring, sand a dresser, and get a good night's rest all in the 5 hours I have after work every day.

This year, my only 'resolution' is to STOP. Stop pushing myself to be perfect at everything.

As an analytic person, I found myself wondering where this stems from so I can chop it off at the root. And honestly, it stems from the example I had growing up. My father could pick up ANYTHING, literally anything, and have it figured out enough to be proficient in about 10 minutes. This is no joke. My younger brother is the same way. It always used to make me so frustrated. I would study and practice so hard for days, weeks, years... and they would have it down in 10 minutes. In case you think I am exaggerating, here is an example. I play guitar. It took me 7 years to be proficient (from 9 years old to 16) and I am still just proficient another 6 years later. My dad picked up a crappy First Act guitar and was playing 'Smoke on the Water' and other basic guitar songs that he picked out BY EAR in 15 minutes. That is multiple songs in 15 minutes. It took me a week just to learn "Smoke on the Water".. which I have since forgotten. (P.S. this is not me throwing hate at my dad for being who he is.. this is just something that I have realized and know has to change for ME.)

The point of all that was now that I know where this need for perfection in every area comes from, I can begin the process of LETTING IT GO (cue Elsa). This is not something that I am going to do overnight, especially not on my own. I have to be willing and pliable to letting the Lord work on this part of myself that I have held so tightly to for many years now. I know that this is not an easy task because I so badly want to be amazing at everything my hands touch, but I have to relinquish that need for control in that area of my life. I have to completely surrender that part of myself over to Him. I know that once I do, it will be so freeing and it will relieve so much of the anxiety that I have gripping me. 

Something a church I was once a part of did every New Year was pick a word for the year. This year, my word is STOP. 

Stop and take a look at what you're doing. 

Stop being concerned if it is 'good enough', because it is. 

Stop striving for absolute perfection, because you will never reach it. Humanity gets in the way. 

Stop relying on the images others paint for you. Make your own picture. 

Stop holding on. 

Stop insisting that you have control over everything. Let Go. Let God. ( I always thought that saying was cheesy, but I kinda get it now)

Stop. Breathe. C'est la vie.  

HOS's First Christmas

We had such a great first Christmas with our little man. Henry hit the jackpot 😉 

This is not the greatest picture, but you can see that he got some awesome gifts! You may not be able to see it in the photo, but on top of the Huggies diaper box, there is a small airplane. This airplane has significance to me because it carries a tradition from my childhood to another generation. Throughout my life, my mom has always given each of us an ornament for Christmas. Sometimes we chose it and sometimes it was a surprise. This year, we added a new baby to the family and my mom carried on that tradition and got H his very own airplane ornament. Next year, we will proudly let him hang it on the tree. There were many other awesome gifts as well. Diapers are ALWAYS welcome.😉 He got many toys to help him learn and lots of clothes that will look absolutely adorable on him!

At the end of the night, Henry was so tired that I just put him in his bed and he went to sleep on his own. I'm sure all the new faces and places wore him out! 

Henry and his great-grandparents ❤

Alex and I had an awesome Christmas as well! 

*this photo was taken after we got home 12-25-18 so we were both exhausted*

We visited parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins, and more.

We visited Alex's dad, who lives in the place we used to rent and has "custody" of our old cat, Lucy. Lucy is a very needy cat. Meaning when you walk into her general area, she NEEDS your attention. She is more dog-like than any cat I have ever met. When we had Lucy, she was Alex's cat. She LOVED him. If Alex and I tried to sit on the couch and watch a movie, Lucy would get jealous that he was with another woman and try to wedge her body between us. 

This visit was no different. She sat on the couch and stretched her paws onto his lap and kneaded his legs. AND PURRED. You could hear this cat purring from across the room. 😂

Now, I'm not usually jealous, but this girl is trying to steal my man! 

Pic for proof:

look at her giving me the evil eye!😂

But, my favorite part of the day was the gift that Alex's mom gave to him. See, for a while now, Alex has been wanting a nice keyboard, but they can be pricey so we haven't bought one. 

His mom had this keyboard that Alex loved and he offered to buy it from her several times, but she said no. I'm not sure if she was waiting for this moment to see the giddy look on his face or if she just genuinely didn't want to get rid of it at the time, but either way, she was clever!

Earlier that day, she called him and asked him if she brought the keyboard out and her mom played it, if I would sing. So when we got there, the keyboard had a reason to be in the living room. We opened presents and I thought we were done and just hanging out, when his mom handed his sister the gift she had been waiting for, a PS4. Then she turned to Alex, pointed at the keyboard, and said, "oh, and that;s yours". 

He was grinning his weird Alex smile from ear to ear. I asked him if he wanted me to take his picture and he didn't say no, but he smiled even more.

This photo says it all

So, thank you, Amy. The best gift was getting to see him so happy. ❤

Stigma, Lies, and Manipulation

10-15% of moms struggle with postpartum depression.

Most of you know my story. I have regularly struggled with anxiety and depression throughout my life. Most people have struggled with it at different points. I always knew that there was a terrible stigma around mental health issues, but I never understood the magnitude of it until today.

I went in to see my OBGYN today for a follow up (I have an 8 week old baby). I had talked to my doctor a few weeks before my son was born and we identified that I was a high risk for Postpartum Depression (PPD). At the appointment today, I expressed that I believe I am experiencing PPD. My doctor asked if I had thoughts of harming myself and I said that I had in my past and had acted on those, but now, using logic, I know that those actions solve no issues. 

Ignoring basically everything I said, the doctor sent me down to the ER to "get checked by a counselor" before going home. Knowing very little about how hospitals work, I assumed it was gonna be an easy evaluation and possible referral or prescription and then I would go home.

WRONG.

I did the paperwork, and waited for them to call me back. Again, I thought I was going to an office to talk to an on-staff counselor. A nurse called me back and took vitals. Then he led me to the nurse's station, handed me a 'Patient's Belongings' bag and some scrubs that seemed to be made of paper towels, and a cup for a urine sample. I was told that all clothing had to come off and they needed me to pee in the cup. I couldn't even keep my own socks.

When I came out of the bathroom, they took my bag of clothes and handed them to a police officer for him to search it. I was then taken to a bed in the hallway and the ER doctor came to speak with me. We had the same conversation as I had with my doctor just 3 floors above. He ordered some blood work and gave me some pills for anxiety because I was so upset I couldn't sit still and he left. I sat waiting until the nurse came to do the blood work. I ended up refusing them to do that blood work because of the phobia that I have. When my anxiety levels are already elevated, my reaction to drawing labs is much much worse. 

I was stripped of my phone so I had to sit in a hallway while staff and other patients and guests passed my bed staring. Only the Psychiatric patients dressed out in scrubs. Everyone knew why I was sitting there. I was beyond humiliated. I sat there for 7.5 hours before they had the decency to move me to a room. When I was moved to a room, it was practically a closet. There was one bed and nothing else. Not even a pillow. The walls were white. The door had braces on it so they could lock me in there if need be, but unless I got violent, the door stayed open. 

I wasn't allowed to leave. 8 hours of sitting. 

The doctor's office had given me a pamphlet before they sent me downstairs. This pamphlet stated the statistics of PPD and the treatments for PPD (among other things as well). The treatments are antidepressants and therapy. The hospital gave me neither of those. 

I waited 8 hours on a phone call from the Helen Ross McNabb Center for them to tell me that I can look at a list of what therapists I can go to on my insurance's website. 

I was on suicide watch because I told my doctor I felt depressed and have had thoughts of harming myself in the PAST. This hospital treated me like I was either crazy or a criminal. I was told that if I tried to leave, security would "keep that from happening". 

NO WONDER people choose suicide over getting help.

They are afraid of being treated like THIS^^^.

Being stripped of your clothing and dignity and being held captive is enough to make a person lose their sanity and never want to reach out for help again. 

This stigma on mental health needs to go away. We can't treat people with anxiety and depression like they're off their rocker. If we were all completely honest with ourselves, we would say we have all experienced a mental health challenge at one point or another. When someone is depressed, you don't strip them of their identity and write them off as hopeless! You help that person redefine their perceptions and help them find a way to be whole again. 

• I am extremely disappointed and honestly hurt at the way I was treated at Fort Sanders Regional Medical Center and their Women's Specialists office today. Feel free to share, share, share if this made you as mad as it made me and those that supported me today!  

Too Loud to Listen

"I will stand at my post,
and station myself on the rampart.
And I will keep watch to see what He will say to me,
and what He will answer concerning my complaint."
-Habakkuk 2:1

I was reading in one of the YouVersion Bible App devotional plans today and this verse and the devotional material really hit me hard.

The author basically just said that we should take time to wait and listen to what God has to say after we pray. That seems like such a basic concept that we have probably all heard before; but for me, hearing this again was an eye opening revelation.

See, I have been going through a battle. I have been battling stress with my job, pregnancy hormones, anxiety and depression, and just everyday life. I have felt like one thing after another has just crashed down on me and I have had a hard time feeling adequate in anything. When I have tried to express my frustrations to some friends (99% of my friends are older than me), I have gotten responses like: "welcome to the real world" or "welcome to adulthood".

Since I am a young adult, I guess people don't realize that I know life is not perfect and something is always gonna go wrong. When you are going through a battle and have no idea how you are gonna make it out, "welcome to life" is the last thing you wanna hear. This frustrated me and made me feel small because I was so wrapped up in my feelings that I forgot to look at the bright side and thank God for the things that were going right in my life.

I have been praying and desperately crying to God because I am at my breaking point with all of this and some social and domestic drama that I have had to endure (plus the hormones make it so much worse...). I feel like I have been pushed beyond my limit and one more thing will just make me completely collapse. Is this too honest? 

I prayed and cried and begged, but felt no relief. I heard nothing from heaven. No solace. No peace. No still small voice. It was only while reading that devotion today did I realize that the problem was not that 'God wasn't answering'. The problem was that I was not taking the time to listen to his voice. I would pray and run right back to my misery because it was comfortable. In my head, I was like: 'Well God, here's what's going on, but I am just gonna go wait over there in my mess until you decide to tell me what to do or fix it or whatever'. And I would just sit there practically plugging my ears so that I didn't 'have to deal' with my problems. All the while, I sat there in them. Makes a ton of sense, right? 

If I would have spent just 5 minutes in HIS presence listening and waiting on HIM, I probably would be past all this mess or at least feel some peace. If I would have picked up the Bible and read, He more than likely would have revealed Himself to me and I would have received hope. 

Are you struggling? Do you feel like you have no hope? Do you feel unloved and betrayed? Have you tried listening? I promise it makes a world of difference! 

Little Things

So I generally post encouraging scriptures and thoughts on this blog, but today, I just wanted to write something a little different! My 1st year wedding anniversary was this weekend, so I thought I would share the story of how my husband and I met and ended up together. Most of you know that we went to high school together, but you probably don't know the whole story..

I grew up in South Knoxville and I went to South Doyle for a while. Well a bunch of stuff happened and my parents ended up pulling us out of school and homeschooling us for a year (I'll spare you the details). Since they were youth pastors in Anderson County and a lot of their kids went to Clinton schools, my parents applied for a county transfer to send us to Clinton Middle (for my brother-7th grade) and Clinton High (for me- 9th grade). We were told that we were past the deadline and therefore, probably wouldn't get in. My mom told the lady at the office that she believed God wanted us at these schools and that He could make it happen. We found out the SAME DAY that we were accepted. We had to wait for paperwork to go through so I had to wait about a week into school before I could actually go. I only knew 2 people in the whole school: one in my grade and another 2 grades ahead of me). Even though I was new, shy, and nervous, I never really felt super out of place. I went to our homeroom that day and introduced myself to some of the girls there and sat with them. This tall, awkward kid walks up to me and introduced himself and told me that I looked nice. I blushed of course because I was super shy. Little did I know that this would be the love of my life. I had lunch and homeroom with Alex, so I saw him a few times a day that first semester. Everyday, without fail, he would tell me something nice (that he liked my shirt or that I looked pretty, etc.). I didn't really know how to respond except for blushing.. At one point, Alex asked me to be his girlfriend to which I accepted, but it was a very very awkward friendship/relationship/whatchamacallit, so I called it off and we were friends for 2 years (yes, Alex is a rare one that got out of the 'friend-zone'). We would talk at school in homeroom and lunch and we would snap and text off and on after school.

Junior year, we spent a lot more time together outside of school than before. He came to my church some. In fact, I had tried to set him up with my best friend, Christa, who went to church with us at one point near Christmas that year. Christa and I invited him to our youth Christmas party. We were at the church eating and then we went caroling and inviting people to church at the campground next door. Alex came up behind me and picked me up in a bear hug and started running with me (as a joke because he knew I didn't like being picked up). Well, I have very long legs and one of them got wrapped around his as he was running and it cause him to fall face first. Instead of falling on me, he threw me forward to avoid more injury and we both fell into gravel. This is when I first realized that I had feelings for this goofball. Even though he had just as much gravel sticking in his hands and knees as I did, he ran over to make sure that I was okay. Of course, I was and we laughed about it then and we laugh about it now. I didn't say anything for almost a month though because, ya know what it's like to be a teen with a crush. Finally, I was talking to Christa and she convinced me to just talk to him and go for it (although I tried to set the two of them up.. they had already decided against the idea.. forever grateful for that!)

We began our dating relationship mid-January of 2015 and we've been together ever since. We got engaged December 9, 2016 and married just over 6 months later on June 24, 2017. We are expecting our first baby in September this year and we couldn't be more excited! Marriage isn't easy, but I love it because I am challenged everyday to serve my spouse more than the day before. Sometimes I fail at that task, but luckily, I have a forgiving, loving husband who is also human and makes mistakes.

If I have learned anything in the past year of marriage, it is this:
Serve one another even when you don't feel like it. Get up and get your spouse a drink or pick up around the house. It is the little things that make the difference. It has been said a thousand times, but it will never get old for me.

Discouraging Distraction

Pastor Alan K preached the Sunday morning service at my church this week while my pastor was out of town. He stated the statistic that the average Christian spends less than 15 minutes a WEEK studying the Word and that the average pastor spends less than 20 minutes a WEEK!

Now, I have to admit that I have been in this group of Christians for the majority of my life. Actually, I read the Bible on an average of MAYBE 1 minute a week. I would go to read and get distracted by something else or get discouraged because I didn't understand or because I would feel unworthy. I believe that these are the three main reasons for these shockingly low numbers. 

Distraction:

It gets the best of us. In fact, I have gotten so distracted from writing this entry that I had to reread it about 4 times to be sure that I remembered what I had already said. I have gotten back into the swing of reading my Bible on almost a daily basis, but sometimes I still forget. This holiday season has been harder for me to read and study everyday because I have had so many places to go and so many things to do. I have had heartache and struggle and honestly, I just forgot. I got "too busy". I committed myself to too many things that I was tired and wanted to go to bed or take a break rather than getting refueled for the week. And it makes sense, right? Of course! We all go through points in our life that get hectic and we forget where our source is. I just want to tell you to not be discouraged when this happens because God does not require Bible study and prayer to be a Christian. With that being said, you still should read and pray, but you shouldn't feel guilty when you forget or are just really worn out. God doesn't judge your "performance", but rather the intent of the heart. He doesn't look at you like "well, Monica didn't read the Bible or pray today so she's disqualified and unloved". At lot of times, we think that God views us that way. We think that if we don't live a "perfect Christian" life, that we have failed God and He no longer wants any part with us. But the reality is that He loves you and He understands your humanity. He made you after all. He knows that we will never be perfect here on earth and he LOVES you beyond any and all flaws.

Discouragement:
This can be devastating to your Christian walk if you let it. Sometimes the world around us gets us down and we feel hopeless due to circumstances. What we have to stand on through these times is the fact that our circumstances do not determine who we are as individuals and as children of God. You will have low points in your life. You will make mistakes. Things will go wrong. It is inevitable. But do not let these things define you. When I am discouraged, I stand on Psalm 121. If you are discouraged today, look it up and know that God is a refuge. As with distraction, God understands where you are. He understands being discouraged and feeling hopeless, but He wants you to know that you don't have to stay that way. No matter where you are, He is there. just take a look at all Job had to endure in his life. He felt hopeless and defeated, but the Lord had a promise for him and all was restored to an even greater measure. You may have to go through hard times when it seems that nothing is going right, but know that HIS plan is better and you will always end up on top of the situation with God by your side. I know all of that sounds super cheesy and it's probably the most clichè thing you have ever heard in your life, but I have found it to be so true. Seek Him through the times where you are discouraged!

Worthlessness:
A lot of times when you have one or both of these things already hitting you hard, you end up feeling so unworthy. You feel unworthy of the love that God so desires to wrap you in.You feel like you have messed things up to bad to be worthy of Him. As stated in my last entry, that could never be true. The love of God is far more complex and intimate than the human mind can comprehend. Think of the verse in Romans that says that nothing can separate you from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39)! There is nothing that you can do that will make you worthy His love because HE justifies you as worthy! He sent his son so that you could have life with Him! I know that also sounds cheesy, but it is so true. If you are having a day where you are feeling worthless, think upon the scriptures below and know that you are loved!
Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand."
Luke 12:7
"Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value that many sparrows."
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."
Isaiah 43:4
"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life."
Romans 5:8
"But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Love on the Brain: New Creature

The first verse of Ephesians Chapter 4 encourages us to “live a life worthy of the calling

that we have received”. I don’t think that this is a statement referring to being a perfect

person or living a life free of mistakes. Instead, I find this statement to encourage us to

STRIVE to be better. Meaning that we encourage rather than tear down, we love rather

than spread hatred, and so forth. I don’t think that this verse means what a lot of people

take it to mean (that as Christians we are held to a high standard and are expected to be

perfect). We should strive to be perfect as Christ is perfect, but at the same time, God

recognizes and understands our humanity. Jesus did not come to this earth to be an

example in terms that “if He can do it, we can do it”. Jesus came to show us that it is

possible to live like the Perfect One. He came to show us that there IS redemption for our

mistakes. We don’t have to “live up to expectations” or worry about how bad we messed up.

None of that disqualifies us from being a child of God. I think so many people believe that if

they mess up, God won’t love them anymore and that simply is not the case. The TRUTH is in

the Word. The most generic Bible verse of all time, John 3:16, proves this very point. God so

LOVED the world that he gave up his son for you! The Word also says that while we were dead

in our sins, Christ died for us! He never would have sacrificed Himself for us if it weren’t for

incomprehensible love! Reading the book of Ephesians has really changed the way I view God.

I saw God as a supreme leader (Star Wars reference for all you fans :) ) who expected me to do

as instructed “or else”. I thought that if I messed up, I was forfeiting my Christianity and was no

longer worthy to call myself a child of God. I honestly believed that if I made a mistake, I was no

longer welcome in His presence until I “fixed” myself. I have to tell you friends that this is the

furthest delusion from the truth. God made you. He knows you better than you know yourself.

He understands your feelings, desires, and needs before you even know you have them.

After searching, I have found Him to be an extremely benevolent savior, father, and friend.

I have known about Him for years and thought I knew who He was, but I am realizing that

I have never truly known Him. I had made up characteristics for Him and worshiped my

preconceived ideas. This idea was nothing like Him whatsoever. I would have real encounters

with Him, but they would quickly fade away because I would fall back into the mindset that God

didn’t love me unless I was a blameless, spotless, sinless angel. After reading His Word more

and digging deep to find answers, I realized that it didn’t matter how much I screwed up or read

my Bible or went to church. None of that determined His love for me because He knew me

before the foundations of the world. He knew me before my first thought, before my first breath,

He knew me before my parents thought of me and before they were even born. And He loved me

before all that too. You see, there is NOTHING that I could do that would change God’s love for me.

Frankly, I don’t have that much power. The GOD of the UNIVERSE LOVES you. Ponder that for

a moment.