The Post I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Write

I promised myself I would not write a post about the new year, but as I reflect on this past year, I realize that in my 22 years of life, I have aspired to do and be a lot of things. A writer, a musician, a mom, a wife, a scientist, a therapist, an influencer, a friend, a business owner, and tons of other things. And I wanted to be above average or even amazing at all these things. I am an overachiever in my head, but not in reality. I am a dreamer and I believe that I could do all these things, but I never put forth the effort for more than a few weeks to be great at the thousands of things I've aspired to do. I wanted to be a great mom and wife, have an amazing career, keep a clean and trendy house, blog, make music, attend church, do things I love, and be a wonderful daughter and friend all at the same time (probably more too). Honestly, I beat myself up about not being everything to everyone all the time. I long to have meaningful relationships with people while being the busiest person with hobbies, work, and family while also building a career at a company that I love.

Since it is the first of not only a new year, but also a new decade, I am realizing for the first time that what I am expecting of myself is utterly impossible. I can't be 'Pinterest Mom' and 'Career Mom' and 'Present Mom'. Just one of those things plus 'mom' is a chore on it's own. I have to learn to drop somethings from my plate. I can't expect myself to have unpacked and keep a perfect house while painting walls and refinishing furniture, especially only 2 months into the new house. I can'texpect myself to go to the grocery store, cook dinner, record music, play with my baby, clean the house, paint the bathroom, pick out new flooring, sand a dresser, and get a good night's rest all in the 5 hours I have after work every day.

This year, my only 'resolution' is to STOP. Stop pushing myself to be perfect at everything.

As an analytic person, I found myself wondering where this stems from so I can chop it off at the root. And honestly, it stems from the example I had growing up. My father could pick up ANYTHING, literally anything, and have it figured out enough to be proficient in about 10 minutes. This is no joke. My younger brother is the same way. It always used to make me so frustrated. I would study and practice so hard for days, weeks, years... and they would have it down in 10 minutes. In case you think I am exaggerating, here is an example. I play guitar. It took me 7 years to be proficient (from 9 years old to 16) and I am still just proficient another 6 years later. My dad picked up a crappy First Act guitar and was playing 'Smoke on the Water' and other basic guitar songs that he picked out BY EAR in 15 minutes. That is multiple songs in 15 minutes. It took me a week just to learn "Smoke on the Water".. which I have since forgotten. (P.S. this is not me throwing hate at my dad for being who he is.. this is just something that I have realized and know has to change for ME.)

The point of all that was now that I know where this need for perfection in every area comes from, I can begin the process of LETTING IT GO (cue Elsa). This is not something that I am going to do overnight, especially not on my own. I have to be willing and pliable to letting the Lord work on this part of myself that I have held so tightly to for many years now. I know that this is not an easy task because I so badly want to be amazing at everything my hands touch, but I have to relinquish that need for control in that area of my life. I have to completely surrender that part of myself over to Him. I know that once I do, it will be so freeing and it will relieve so much of the anxiety that I have gripping me. 

Something a church I was once a part of did every New Year was pick a word for the year. This year, my word is STOP. 

Stop and take a look at what you're doing. 

Stop being concerned if it is 'good enough', because it is. 

Stop striving for absolute perfection, because you will never reach it. Humanity gets in the way. 

Stop relying on the images others paint for you. Make your own picture. 

Stop holding on. 

Stop insisting that you have control over everything. Let Go. Let God. ( I always thought that saying was cheesy, but I kinda get it now)

Stop. Breathe. C'est la vie.  

HOS's First Christmas

We had such a great first Christmas with our little man. Henry hit the jackpot 😉 

This is not the greatest picture, but you can see that he got some awesome gifts! You may not be able to see it in the photo, but on top of the Huggies diaper box, there is a small airplane. This airplane has significance to me because it carries a tradition from my childhood to another generation. Throughout my life, my mom has always given each of us an ornament for Christmas. Sometimes we chose it and sometimes it was a surprise. This year, we added a new baby to the family and my mom carried on that tradition and got H his very own airplane ornament. Next year, we will proudly let him hang it on the tree. There were many other awesome gifts as well. Diapers are ALWAYS welcome.😉 He got many toys to help him learn and lots of clothes that will look absolutely adorable on him!

At the end of the night, Henry was so tired that I just put him in his bed and he went to sleep on his own. I'm sure all the new faces and places wore him out! 

Henry and his great-grandparents ❤

Alex and I had an awesome Christmas as well! 

*this photo was taken after we got home 12-25-18 so we were both exhausted*

We visited parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins, and more.

We visited Alex's dad, who lives in the place we used to rent and has "custody" of our old cat, Lucy. Lucy is a very needy cat. Meaning when you walk into her general area, she NEEDS your attention. She is more dog-like than any cat I have ever met. When we had Lucy, she was Alex's cat. She LOVED him. If Alex and I tried to sit on the couch and watch a movie, Lucy would get jealous that he was with another woman and try to wedge her body between us. 

This visit was no different. She sat on the couch and stretched her paws onto his lap and kneaded his legs. AND PURRED. You could hear this cat purring from across the room. 😂

Now, I'm not usually jealous, but this girl is trying to steal my man! 

Pic for proof:

look at her giving me the evil eye!😂

But, my favorite part of the day was the gift that Alex's mom gave to him. See, for a while now, Alex has been wanting a nice keyboard, but they can be pricey so we haven't bought one. 

His mom had this keyboard that Alex loved and he offered to buy it from her several times, but she said no. I'm not sure if she was waiting for this moment to see the giddy look on his face or if she just genuinely didn't want to get rid of it at the time, but either way, she was clever!

Earlier that day, she called him and asked him if she brought the keyboard out and her mom played it, if I would sing. So when we got there, the keyboard had a reason to be in the living room. We opened presents and I thought we were done and just hanging out, when his mom handed his sister the gift she had been waiting for, a PS4. Then she turned to Alex, pointed at the keyboard, and said, "oh, and that;s yours". 

He was grinning his weird Alex smile from ear to ear. I asked him if he wanted me to take his picture and he didn't say no, but he smiled even more.

This photo says it all

So, thank you, Amy. The best gift was getting to see him so happy. ❤

Stigma, Lies, and Manipulation

10-15% of moms struggle with postpartum depression.

Most of you know my story. I have regularly struggled with anxiety and depression throughout my life. Most people have struggled with it at different points. I always knew that there was a terrible stigma around mental health issues, but I never understood the magnitude of it until today.

I went in to see my OBGYN today for a follow up (I have an 8 week old baby). I had talked to my doctor a few weeks before my son was born and we identified that I was a high risk for Postpartum Depression (PPD). At the appointment today, I expressed that I believe I am experiencing PPD. My doctor asked if I had thoughts of harming myself and I said that I had in my past and had acted on those, but now, using logic, I know that those actions solve no issues. 

Ignoring basically everything I said, the doctor sent me down to the ER to "get checked by a counselor" before going home. Knowing very little about how hospitals work, I assumed it was gonna be an easy evaluation and possible referral or prescription and then I would go home.

WRONG.

I did the paperwork, and waited for them to call me back. Again, I thought I was going to an office to talk to an on-staff counselor. A nurse called me back and took vitals. Then he led me to the nurse's station, handed me a 'Patient's Belongings' bag and some scrubs that seemed to be made of paper towels, and a cup for a urine sample. I was told that all clothing had to come off and they needed me to pee in the cup. I couldn't even keep my own socks.

When I came out of the bathroom, they took my bag of clothes and handed them to a police officer for him to search it. I was then taken to a bed in the hallway and the ER doctor came to speak with me. We had the same conversation as I had with my doctor just 3 floors above. He ordered some blood work and gave me some pills for anxiety because I was so upset I couldn't sit still and he left. I sat waiting until the nurse came to do the blood work. I ended up refusing them to do that blood work because of the phobia that I have. When my anxiety levels are already elevated, my reaction to drawing labs is much much worse. 

I was stripped of my phone so I had to sit in a hallway while staff and other patients and guests passed my bed staring. Only the Psychiatric patients dressed out in scrubs. Everyone knew why I was sitting there. I was beyond humiliated. I sat there for 7.5 hours before they had the decency to move me to a room. When I was moved to a room, it was practically a closet. There was one bed and nothing else. Not even a pillow. The walls were white. The door had braces on it so they could lock me in there if need be, but unless I got violent, the door stayed open. 

I wasn't allowed to leave. 8 hours of sitting. 

The doctor's office had given me a pamphlet before they sent me downstairs. This pamphlet stated the statistics of PPD and the treatments for PPD (among other things as well). The treatments are antidepressants and therapy. The hospital gave me neither of those. 

I waited 8 hours on a phone call from the Helen Ross McNabb Center for them to tell me that I can look at a list of what therapists I can go to on my insurance's website. 

I was on suicide watch because I told my doctor I felt depressed and have had thoughts of harming myself in the PAST. This hospital treated me like I was either crazy or a criminal. I was told that if I tried to leave, security would "keep that from happening". 

NO WONDER people choose suicide over getting help.

They are afraid of being treated like THIS^^^.

Being stripped of your clothing and dignity and being held captive is enough to make a person lose their sanity and never want to reach out for help again. 

This stigma on mental health needs to go away. We can't treat people with anxiety and depression like they're off their rocker. If we were all completely honest with ourselves, we would say we have all experienced a mental health challenge at one point or another. When someone is depressed, you don't strip them of their identity and write them off as hopeless! You help that person redefine their perceptions and help them find a way to be whole again. 

• I am extremely disappointed and honestly hurt at the way I was treated at Fort Sanders Regional Medical Center and their Women's Specialists office today. Feel free to share, share, share if this made you as mad as it made me and those that supported me today!  

Too Loud to Listen

"I will stand at my post,
and station myself on the rampart.
And I will keep watch to see what He will say to me,
and what He will answer concerning my complaint."
-Habakkuk 2:1

I was reading in one of the YouVersion Bible App devotional plans today and this verse and the devotional material really hit me hard.

The author basically just said that we should take time to wait and listen to what God has to say after we pray. That seems like such a basic concept that we have probably all heard before; but for me, hearing this again was an eye opening revelation.

See, I have been going through a battle. I have been battling stress with my job, pregnancy hormones, anxiety and depression, and just everyday life. I have felt like one thing after another has just crashed down on me and I have had a hard time feeling adequate in anything. When I have tried to express my frustrations to some friends (99% of my friends are older than me), I have gotten responses like: "welcome to the real world" or "welcome to adulthood".

Since I am a young adult, I guess people don't realize that I know life is not perfect and something is always gonna go wrong. When you are going through a battle and have no idea how you are gonna make it out, "welcome to life" is the last thing you wanna hear. This frustrated me and made me feel small because I was so wrapped up in my feelings that I forgot to look at the bright side and thank God for the things that were going right in my life.

I have been praying and desperately crying to God because I am at my breaking point with all of this and some social and domestic drama that I have had to endure (plus the hormones make it so much worse...). I feel like I have been pushed beyond my limit and one more thing will just make me completely collapse. Is this too honest? 

I prayed and cried and begged, but felt no relief. I heard nothing from heaven. No solace. No peace. No still small voice. It was only while reading that devotion today did I realize that the problem was not that 'God wasn't answering'. The problem was that I was not taking the time to listen to his voice. I would pray and run right back to my misery because it was comfortable. In my head, I was like: 'Well God, here's what's going on, but I am just gonna go wait over there in my mess until you decide to tell me what to do or fix it or whatever'. And I would just sit there practically plugging my ears so that I didn't 'have to deal' with my problems. All the while, I sat there in them. Makes a ton of sense, right? 

If I would have spent just 5 minutes in HIS presence listening and waiting on HIM, I probably would be past all this mess or at least feel some peace. If I would have picked up the Bible and read, He more than likely would have revealed Himself to me and I would have received hope. 

Are you struggling? Do you feel like you have no hope? Do you feel unloved and betrayed? Have you tried listening? I promise it makes a world of difference! 

Little Things

So I generally post encouraging scriptures and thoughts on this blog, but today, I just wanted to write something a little different! My 1st year wedding anniversary was this weekend, so I thought I would share the story of how my husband and I met and ended up together. Most of you know that we went to high school together, but you probably don't know the whole story..

I grew up in South Knoxville and I went to South Doyle for a while. Well a bunch of stuff happened and my parents ended up pulling us out of school and homeschooling us for a year (I'll spare you the details). Since they were youth pastors in Anderson County and a lot of their kids went to Clinton schools, my parents applied for a county transfer to send us to Clinton Middle (for my brother-7th grade) and Clinton High (for me- 9th grade). We were told that we were past the deadline and therefore, probably wouldn't get in. My mom told the lady at the office that she believed God wanted us at these schools and that He could make it happen. We found out the SAME DAY that we were accepted. We had to wait for paperwork to go through so I had to wait about a week into school before I could actually go. I only knew 2 people in the whole school: one in my grade and another 2 grades ahead of me). Even though I was new, shy, and nervous, I never really felt super out of place. I went to our homeroom that day and introduced myself to some of the girls there and sat with them. This tall, awkward kid walks up to me and introduced himself and told me that I looked nice. I blushed of course because I was super shy. Little did I know that this would be the love of my life. I had lunch and homeroom with Alex, so I saw him a few times a day that first semester. Everyday, without fail, he would tell me something nice (that he liked my shirt or that I looked pretty, etc.). I didn't really know how to respond except for blushing.. At one point, Alex asked me to be his girlfriend to which I accepted, but it was a very very awkward friendship/relationship/whatchamacallit, so I called it off and we were friends for 2 years (yes, Alex is a rare one that got out of the 'friend-zone'). We would talk at school in homeroom and lunch and we would snap and text off and on after school.

Junior year, we spent a lot more time together outside of school than before. He came to my church some. In fact, I had tried to set him up with my best friend, Christa, who went to church with us at one point near Christmas that year. Christa and I invited him to our youth Christmas party. We were at the church eating and then we went caroling and inviting people to church at the campground next door. Alex came up behind me and picked me up in a bear hug and started running with me (as a joke because he knew I didn't like being picked up). Well, I have very long legs and one of them got wrapped around his as he was running and it cause him to fall face first. Instead of falling on me, he threw me forward to avoid more injury and we both fell into gravel. This is when I first realized that I had feelings for this goofball. Even though he had just as much gravel sticking in his hands and knees as I did, he ran over to make sure that I was okay. Of course, I was and we laughed about it then and we laugh about it now. I didn't say anything for almost a month though because, ya know what it's like to be a teen with a crush. Finally, I was talking to Christa and she convinced me to just talk to him and go for it (although I tried to set the two of them up.. they had already decided against the idea.. forever grateful for that!)

We began our dating relationship mid-January of 2015 and we've been together ever since. We got engaged December 9, 2016 and married just over 6 months later on June 24, 2017. We are expecting our first baby in September this year and we couldn't be more excited! Marriage isn't easy, but I love it because I am challenged everyday to serve my spouse more than the day before. Sometimes I fail at that task, but luckily, I have a forgiving, loving husband who is also human and makes mistakes.

If I have learned anything in the past year of marriage, it is this:
Serve one another even when you don't feel like it. Get up and get your spouse a drink or pick up around the house. It is the little things that make the difference. It has been said a thousand times, but it will never get old for me.

Discouraging Distraction

Pastor Alan K preached the Sunday morning service at my church this week while my pastor was out of town. He stated the statistic that the average Christian spends less than 15 minutes a WEEK studying the Word and that the average pastor spends less than 20 minutes a WEEK!

Now, I have to admit that I have been in this group of Christians for the majority of my life. Actually, I read the Bible on an average of MAYBE 1 minute a week. I would go to read and get distracted by something else or get discouraged because I didn't understand or because I would feel unworthy. I believe that these are the three main reasons for these shockingly low numbers. 

Distraction:

It gets the best of us. In fact, I have gotten so distracted from writing this entry that I had to reread it about 4 times to be sure that I remembered what I had already said. I have gotten back into the swing of reading my Bible on almost a daily basis, but sometimes I still forget. This holiday season has been harder for me to read and study everyday because I have had so many places to go and so many things to do. I have had heartache and struggle and honestly, I just forgot. I got "too busy". I committed myself to too many things that I was tired and wanted to go to bed or take a break rather than getting refueled for the week. And it makes sense, right? Of course! We all go through points in our life that get hectic and we forget where our source is. I just want to tell you to not be discouraged when this happens because God does not require Bible study and prayer to be a Christian. With that being said, you still should read and pray, but you shouldn't feel guilty when you forget or are just really worn out. God doesn't judge your "performance", but rather the intent of the heart. He doesn't look at you like "well, Monica didn't read the Bible or pray today so she's disqualified and unloved". At lot of times, we think that God views us that way. We think that if we don't live a "perfect Christian" life, that we have failed God and He no longer wants any part with us. But the reality is that He loves you and He understands your humanity. He made you after all. He knows that we will never be perfect here on earth and he LOVES you beyond any and all flaws.

Discouragement:
This can be devastating to your Christian walk if you let it. Sometimes the world around us gets us down and we feel hopeless due to circumstances. What we have to stand on through these times is the fact that our circumstances do not determine who we are as individuals and as children of God. You will have low points in your life. You will make mistakes. Things will go wrong. It is inevitable. But do not let these things define you. When I am discouraged, I stand on Psalm 121. If you are discouraged today, look it up and know that God is a refuge. As with distraction, God understands where you are. He understands being discouraged and feeling hopeless, but He wants you to know that you don't have to stay that way. No matter where you are, He is there. just take a look at all Job had to endure in his life. He felt hopeless and defeated, but the Lord had a promise for him and all was restored to an even greater measure. You may have to go through hard times when it seems that nothing is going right, but know that HIS plan is better and you will always end up on top of the situation with God by your side. I know all of that sounds super cheesy and it's probably the most clichè thing you have ever heard in your life, but I have found it to be so true. Seek Him through the times where you are discouraged!

Worthlessness:
A lot of times when you have one or both of these things already hitting you hard, you end up feeling so unworthy. You feel unworthy of the love that God so desires to wrap you in.You feel like you have messed things up to bad to be worthy of Him. As stated in my last entry, that could never be true. The love of God is far more complex and intimate than the human mind can comprehend. Think of the verse in Romans that says that nothing can separate you from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39)! There is nothing that you can do that will make you worthy His love because HE justifies you as worthy! He sent his son so that you could have life with Him! I know that also sounds cheesy, but it is so true. If you are having a day where you are feeling worthless, think upon the scriptures below and know that you are loved!
Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand."
Luke 12:7
"Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value that many sparrows."
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."
Isaiah 43:4
"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life."
Romans 5:8
"But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Love on the Brain: New Creature

The first verse of Ephesians Chapter 4 encourages us to “live a life worthy of the calling

that we have received”. I don’t think that this is a statement referring to being a perfect

person or living a life free of mistakes. Instead, I find this statement to encourage us to

STRIVE to be better. Meaning that we encourage rather than tear down, we love rather

than spread hatred, and so forth. I don’t think that this verse means what a lot of people

take it to mean (that as Christians we are held to a high standard and are expected to be

perfect). We should strive to be perfect as Christ is perfect, but at the same time, God

recognizes and understands our humanity. Jesus did not come to this earth to be an

example in terms that “if He can do it, we can do it”. Jesus came to show us that it is

possible to live like the Perfect One. He came to show us that there IS redemption for our

mistakes. We don’t have to “live up to expectations” or worry about how bad we messed up.

None of that disqualifies us from being a child of God. I think so many people believe that if

they mess up, God won’t love them anymore and that simply is not the case. The TRUTH is in

the Word. The most generic Bible verse of all time, John 3:16, proves this very point. God so

LOVED the world that he gave up his son for you! The Word also says that while we were dead

in our sins, Christ died for us! He never would have sacrificed Himself for us if it weren’t for

incomprehensible love! Reading the book of Ephesians has really changed the way I view God.

I saw God as a supreme leader (Star Wars reference for all you fans :) ) who expected me to do

as instructed “or else”. I thought that if I messed up, I was forfeiting my Christianity and was no

longer worthy to call myself a child of God. I honestly believed that if I made a mistake, I was no

longer welcome in His presence until I “fixed” myself. I have to tell you friends that this is the

furthest delusion from the truth. God made you. He knows you better than you know yourself.

He understands your feelings, desires, and needs before you even know you have them.

After searching, I have found Him to be an extremely benevolent savior, father, and friend.

I have known about Him for years and thought I knew who He was, but I am realizing that

I have never truly known Him. I had made up characteristics for Him and worshiped my

preconceived ideas. This idea was nothing like Him whatsoever. I would have real encounters

with Him, but they would quickly fade away because I would fall back into the mindset that God

didn’t love me unless I was a blameless, spotless, sinless angel. After reading His Word more

and digging deep to find answers, I realized that it didn’t matter how much I screwed up or read

my Bible or went to church. None of that determined His love for me because He knew me

before the foundations of the world. He knew me before my first thought, before my first breath,

He knew me before my parents thought of me and before they were even born. And He loved me

before all that too. You see, there is NOTHING that I could do that would change God’s love for me.

Frankly, I don’t have that much power. The GOD of the UNIVERSE LOVES you. Ponder that for

a moment.

Walking in the Dark

Have you ever slept over at a friend's house and had to get up to go pee in the dark? I'm gonna go ahead an assume that at some point you probably ran into something or stubbed your toe. It probably hurt and took you a moment to get your bearings. This is what it's like to live with anxiety. Everything that you run into in life is a surprise and it always takes a toll on your body and it always takes you time to recover. When you live with anxiety for a while, you begin to get angry with yourself for running into these road blocks. You start to feel dumb and you get mad because you are always falling into the lie that you're not good enough or smart enough to get past these issues that keep taking you by surprise. People with anxiety don't plan when they're gonna run into these things that make life hard, in fact, they do just about everything to avoid it. I don't know about other people, but I get embarrassed if I have an episode in front of people, which makes it so much bigger. It feels like the blanket I tripped on in the floor of this dark house turned into a curio cabinet that I ran into full force. Sometimes when things get super hectic, I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. People, God love them because they're only trying to help, don't help at all. I've learned that having friends can make walking in the dark harder because instead of using night vision goggles or a flashlight to help you see, they will lead you straight into a barrier. Get me straight, I'm not saying that you should just follow a friend, but I am saying that sometimes you just have to. I'm also not saying that they are all bad, but it;s hard to find a good friend who can understand your issues and stick by you through them.

I'd also like everyone who doesn't have anxiety to understand that quoting scripture at someone does not make it suddenly go away. Telling someone to cast their cares upon Jesus doesn't really work unless you can walk them through how to do that.
What does it really mean to 'cast your cares'? How does one do that? How do I physically cast away all this anxiety? I don't understand how to do that.
These are questions that real people with real anxiety have. And honestly, when someone says, "oh sweetie, as a Christian that has no place in your life. Just cast your cares upon Jesus," it's really frustrating because as Christians, we already know. We struggle with the fact that we know we shouldn't have this thing eating away at our thoughts and consciousness, but yet it is still there. We feel guilty because we want to cast all our cares upon Him, but the thing is, we don't know how. Anxiety has held onto us and been so constant that we don't know how to just give it away. How do you give a feeling away, especially to someone you can't physically see. It sounds crazy.

Well, the thing is, it is crazy. Everything about Christianity is crazy. The love of Jesus is crazy. And that love is what will set you free.

Here's how to give it to Jesus:
1. Prayer... I know.. so cliche, but I swear it works!
Start out with just a few moments each day. Just talk to Him. It doesn't have to be about your anxiety, but just take a few minutes and thank Him for what you have or pray for others that are going through things. Honestly, if you feel the need to just yell at God and let him know that you're mad or frustrated, go ahead and do so. He already knows how you feel and He is the only person who won't get mad at you for expressing your feelings in a yelling manner (trust me.. I've been there and I still do it). Prayer doesn't have to be eloquent and beautiful. It's literally just communicating with your heavenly Dad. <3
2. The Word... Yes... also cliche.
You could start out with a few verses a day. Google what the Bible says about anxiety or self-worth. I would suggest searching for devotional reading plans on the YouVersion Bible app in both the App Store and Google Play (no this company did not pay me to advertise for them.. I just really like their plans and the app).
3. Talk with a trusted friend or adult.
Find yourself a spiritual leader, friend, adult, random person on the street and tell them your struggle. Sometimes just talking about what we are going through just makes the journey a little easier. It always helps when you know that you have someone on your side.

Just remember that you're not gonna pray one time and you'll never feel anxious again. This is a process of becoming deeply rooted in the love of Jesus. Anxiety is a lie of the devil and no matter how dark it seems to be right now, joy comes in the morning. We fight things that are not of this world, but the weapons of our warfare they are not carnal, but are mighty through our Lord.

The Best Feeling in the World: Anxiety?

I think the best feeling in the entire world is the feeling of peace after a storm. It seems that I have gone through battle after battle for the past year at the least. Things have been crazy and everything felt upside down. I went to college away from home and I went through a lot there. I began to question everything I knew to be true because of sleep deprivation and stress. I went to see a Psychologist because I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn't keep with with the day, my grades were the worst grades I had ever had. I felt lost and alone a lot of the time. I was diagnosed with mental illnesses and I was going to weekly sessions with a counselor just to have a person to talk to. Having Dr. Jones there for me got me through the school year and he made me feel like less of a psycho because he was the one person in the world that I felt understood what was going on in my head. Aside from that, he was the first person to actually listen when I told him that I thought I had a pretty good case of General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). After several sessions with him, he decided that I was right about myself and diagnosed me with GAD along with a phobia and possible depression.
There were days when I would wake up and have to convince myself that the day was worth living (not that I was suicidal, but I just didn't want to get out of bed, see people, or try to do anything in general). This wasn't because I was tired or lazy, I just had no motivation and even thinking about what I NEEDED to do would send me into panic attacks. Dr. Jones taught me relaxation techniques and how to help control my anxiety. He helped me realize that I had more control over anxiety than it had over me. He gave me the tools I needed to overcome the feeling of inevitable dread that looms over me. I still deal with anxiety and I still have panic attacks to this day, but I know that I don't have to let it control my life. Living with anxiety is so hard and people who don't deal with it really don't understand what it's like. I've had people tell me that it's not real and I just need to get over myself. To those people:
I am not faking my anxiety attacks. Panic really overtakes you and sometimes, you just have to let it take its course. I am not telling you lies or exaggerating so you will feel bad for me or give me attention. Maybe some people do, but I am not that person.
The most amazing feeling in the world is looking back at moments where you were stressed out and your anxiety levels were high. When you look back on those moments and you remind yourself of how the situation turned out, you realize that it was never really all that bad. Or maybe it was, but everything is okay now. Maybe you had a conflict with someone and now you have talked it out and things are better. Maybe you had anxiety over life in general and you see that you are still breathing and life is wonderful. You look back and you are thankful for the life you have because in this moment, not even anxiety can ruin your mood. Be thankful for those moments.
I still struggle everyday with anxiety, depression, and an extremely weird phobia, but nights like tonight are what makes life beautiful. Nights where I think back on the past few months and I realize that life really isn't so bad and I am gonna be okay. Nights where my mind is anxiety free despite the troubles and tasks of tomorrow. I am thankful for nights like this. I am beyond blessed!
xoxo
Monica

Do Not Grow Weary

I had a rough Spring break. I had a lot of conflict and people who opposed my choices. I will admit that I got angry and I was confused as to why people who claim to care about me would act this way towards me. I felt like I had been ganged up on and that everyone was just out to get me because they didn't like the choices that I was making. I didn't understand why I was being treated like a child who can't make decisions for the next steps to take in life, but mostly, I didn't understand why God was letting me go through such a rough time. I don't just mean this one disagreement, but over the last year, things have been thrown at me like darts. Everything felt upside down and I felt lost and alone without the approval of my family. But I went to church this morning and everything changed. Pastor Paul Wright talked about a lot of different things this morning, but he mostly focused on Caleb (One of the spies that came back and actually said that the Israelite army could take the promise land despite the giants). He talked about how Caleb literally means, "follows God around like a dog", but Caleb wasn't even mentioned for a long time after he quieted the people who were fearful of the giants. One thing that Pastor Paul said that really stuck out to me was that Caleb wholly followed after God. If you wholly follow after God, the things that people say to you and do to you really don't matter. If you are following Him, that's all that matters. If you are constantly listening to everything that everyone around you says, are you really listening to the voice of God? (I am preaching this to myself above all people). It is a concept that everyone knows, but seems to throw out the window in times of chaos and stress! We forget that God is all powerful and we start looking at the rising waters beneath our feet, just like when Peter walked on the water. When we begin worrying about how others will feel or what they will say, that's when you start sinking and eventually drowning. You will feel like you have no motivation for anything and depression will start creeping in and taking over your life. Trust me, I've been there! When you get to that point, you start to question if God is even listening, then if He even cares, and finally you begin to wonder if He is even real. You will wallow in self pity and doubt until one day, the silence breaks and you hear His voice. He says something like, "Hey you! Yeah. You. Over here. See here in my word? This is what I've been trying to tell you for so long. I love you. Come home." It really is that simple. A verse that Pastor Paul used in his message this morning that really helped bring this concept home for me is Galatians 6:9. 

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

See I grew tired of trying to do the right thing and feeling like I still lost, but one day, I will reap a harvest that can never be taken away. Be different as God calls you to be different. Don't fret and worry about people who say that you are doing the wrong thing as long as you are following His word. Pray about His will and follow it! Don't grow weary of following Him for He is with you wherever you go! If you find yourself becoming weary and burdened, 

"but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint." Is. 40;31

To sum it all up:

1. Rely on the direction of God and do not worry about what other people think of you. 

2. Look to Him in stress and chaos

3. Do not grow wearing in doing good. 

God Bless!

Tell the World

Something I have learned recently is that no matter how far you run or fall from grace, the Lord is still faithful. He still has plans for your life and he holds you in the palm of His hand. In light of that, it is our constant responsibility as followers of Christ to share that Good News with everyone that we possibly can. Running around screaming Jesus can be effective in very limited circumstances, but not usually. God is not always expecting you to walk up to random strangers and ask them if they know Jesus (although He can and does). He is simply asking us to live everyday as examples and temples of His glory. We should be looking for someone to build a relationship with and then share Jesus. We should also be looking for young Christians that we can teach and disciple. How are young Christians to survive if we just say "Here's the love of Jesus! Glad you found Him. Good luck!"? We are to teach and encourage them daily. The church should me missions minded. The purpose of salvation is to save those whom He loves and that is why we should spend at least a little bit of our time everyday to focus on spreading the Gospel! 

Begin praying that the Lord will help you to have a heart for missions and that you would encounter someone to help have THE ENCOUNTER every single day! Pray for countries, people groups, and missionaries all around the world! 

Love is a Universal Language

I was kinda the invisible kid in high school. That's how I saw myself, anyway. I was the awkward kid who never really said much unless I was with my friends. I didn't raise my hand in class and I always felt out of place. I decided that college would be different. I needed to be different. Since I moved to Johnson City, I have had to rely on God a lot because there are times that I am by myself. I have had to rely on him for lots of love and to have someone to just talk to when I miss home or need encouragement. I decided to start making a difference by sitting with random people who were alone at lunch. Now, this is all praise and glory to God because I could never do this without Him. It was really hard when I first started because it was uncomfortable and towards the beginning, people wouldn't even say hello when I greeted them. I was afraid of rejection. When I was in high school, I talked to one of my aunts about how I had a hard time making friends and she told me that one moment of courage can change your life, so I challenged myself to do that. I walked past a gentleman sitting alone (he works for the school's food service). I felt the Lord nudge me to sit with him, but I was afraid because I didn't know him and there weren't many people in the room at the time. Nevertheless, I obeyed and sat with him. We got to talking and religion came up and we got to talk about a few things. When the time came for him to leave, he said, "you know, I really didn't wanna come to work today because it is my birthday". So naturally, I told him to have a happy birthday and he smiled, thanked me, and went on his way. This is just one example of the countless random people I have met this week. I promise you that if you follow the Lord's direction, He will bring you to some many opportunities to witness and show the love of Christ. You'd be surprised to see how many people are willing to accept it. I challenge you this week to go out and sit with someone random at school, work, or maybe even a public place. Talk to them, show them the love of Christ, but most of all, let the Lord lead you to witness. Love is a universal language. Let it break your barriers.

Purpose Driven?

I started at a new church today and something that Pastor Jon said really caught my attention. He said, "I do things on purpose. I have prayer time and read the Word on purpose." To you that may sound weird or maybe even plain, but to me, those words shook my very being. It didn't hit me later though. I was sitting in my dorm room on my bed that is about 4 feet off the ground writing in my prayer journal. I used to be kind of strange with purposefully reading my Bible or prayer when I didn't feel like it. I thought God might take it as me bringing lip service to Him. "Well God, I don't feel like talking to you and I don't feel like learning about your interests, but I guess I will". I thought God would be offended if I came with this sort of attitude to Him. I thought it showed a lack of love so I stopped going into His presence and reading His Word because I didn't want to feel like that. Today, Pastor Jon's words tore every bit of that rejection fear away from me. I walked into my room, picked up my Bible, and said, "I want to be deliberate. I want to do this on purpose." For once, I finally understood that when we bring ourselves when we don't feel like it, it doesn't show a lack of love. In fact, it is the ACT of love. Love is about giving up yourself, even when you don't feel like it, for someone else. Love is about giving. When you are worn and weary and you can't go on, but yet you still give of your time, that is love and God honors that. All He wants from us is our love, our commitment. Don't be afraid to be purposeful. Be deliberate.

From Gray to Grace

My youth group went to camp this week and I thought it was a good idea to share with anyone who may read this what the Lord did for me.

Over the past couple of months, I have been struggling with what I believe was the onset of depression. I used to have frequent anxiety attacks and those were beginning to return as well. I didn't quite understand what I was going through so I didn't realize that I needed help, so naturally,  I didn't ask for it. I was having a hard time feeling anything except for sadness. I was broken and I didn't even know it because I couldn't feel. I would sit in my group of friends and stare at the wall and just be completely disengaged from everyone. My close friends would always ask what was wrong and my only reply was that I was tired. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't lying because I truly was tired, but there was more going on and I didn't know how to explain it. I didn't know what was going on inside my head and my heart. It was like everything was gray, but I didn't really notice it.

While at camp this week, God completely wrecked my life. Again. He continues to amaze me. On Wednesday (July 13, 2016), we had a fire tunnel. In case you don't know what a fire tunnel is, it's where people make a "tunnel" out of two lines of people and you walk between them and they pray over you. IT'S AWESOME. I went through the fire tunnel and the Holy Ghost was all over me. I could feel His power like crazy, but I still wasn't completely free. I was praying with and for people and then someone came over to me and began to pray. I was slain in the Spirit and I had a vision and God spoke to me. It went as follows:

I was asking to be free and to be able to feel again. He said that in order for that to occur, He had to take something from me. I didn't mind. At this point, I was desperate and I knew that He was good, so I didn't fear. I saw a hand reach into the left side of my chest and pull my heart out. It was gray and shriveled and it wasn't beating. It didn't move at all. Then, the heart was transformed into a new, red, beating, vibrant heart. It was very large and bursting with color. Then I asked Him to renew my mind because battling with your mind is a lot of the fight. I felt a tingling sensation on my forehead that felt like a very gentle finger. It moved down the center of my forehead to my nose and down past my lips to my chin. It repeated this several times. After once or twice of this, two more sensations developed on either side of the center and moved in opposite directions. I lingered in His presence and when I arose, I was no longer the same girl battling with depression and anxiety. I was renewed in my mind and my heart was pure. HE MADE ME NEW. I am a new creation IN Christ. I am IN Him and He is IN me.

Love is in the Air.. or Something Like That...

I've been thinking a lot about the love of God and I've noticed something. I've noticed that we don't fight FOR love, but we fight ABOUT love. We fight about homo/heterosexual rights, fornication, and things that relate to these matters but as Christians, we fail to fight for what the Bible declares love as. I'm tired of hearing people claim that we are supposed to love everyone despite their sexual orientation, religion, political views, upbringing, or anything else that people are stereotyped as. Yes, this is true and the Word of God does say that we are to love as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it, but, this statement of "love" is being used against God. HE is LOVE! What He says is love is love. I pray that Christians unite together and fight for what God says is love in His Word, rather than fighting about what everyone else has to say. As a Christian, stand for the Word of God, stand for righteousness! Stand for love as God defines it. I'm charging all Christians to stand for what the Bible declares as truth. If we stand together and fight FOR love, then love will abound. United we stand, but divided we fall! That is what's wrong with the church today. We do not stand for the Word of God and we have sat back and been idle long enough! People of every generation, I charge you to stand for love!

Pedestals and Misadventure

As a PK, people love to think that you're supposed to be perfect. When I was a young kid, I struggled with this a lot! It was super hard for me because I'm one of those people who tries to please everyone. What I found out the hard way is that PKs are kids and people too and trying to live up to other people's expectations will only make you fall further and harder. I tried so so so hard to impress people with my "godliness". I put quotes around this word because I was far from being godly. I was like those pharisees that Jesus talks about in the Bible who would go out in the street and pray super loud just so other people would hear. I wasn't even really living for the Lord. Sometimes I would have my heart in the right place and I would try so hard, but other times, I would lose sight of who I was and I would try to fill the shoes of 1,000,000,000 people who weren't me. BUT THEN, I fell in love with JESUS! I stopped constantly worrying about how others thought I should be or act and starting discovering what God thought about me and who he knew I was. Stop trying to be everything the world says you should be and fall into the arms of Jesus. He says that you're already enough. 

If We Seek HIM We Will Find HIM

"The more I seek you, 

The more I find you. 

The more I find you,

The more I love you." 

I honestly cannot express the feeling that I felt when I discovered how true these words to Kari Jobe's song truly are. When you don't seek God, you aren't going to find Him! If you lose your keys and don't look for them, you're 99% less likely to find them. God is the same!! You've probably heard this in a sermon all your life but it's too true to pass up! #1: God isn't gonna show up if you don't invite Him. #2: If you go to church expecting to be out by a certain time like always and expect the message, worship, and everything to be the same, YOU WON'T SEE A MOVE OF GOD! If you want to see glory, GET ON YOUR FACE! The more you spend time with someone, the more you learn about them and the more you fall in love with that person. "The more I seek you, the more I find you." In other words, the more I spend time with you, the more I get to know you. The more I learn the intimate facts and little gold nuggets about your personality. :) THe more I learn about you, the more I learn about your qualities. Which in turn, "the more I love you!" After that, the cycle starts over because when you love someone, you desire to spend time with them! So you "seek, find, and love" over and over and over again!

Let him have it

What does it mean to turn something over to God? Everyone is always saying that! "It's okay sweetie! Just give it to the Lord!" But honestly, what does that really mean? I have claimed in times past that i gave something to God when I really didn't and I didn't realize that I hadn't. When you don't know what something really means, how are you supposed to act on it? If you dont know what love is how are you supposed to act on it? I promise I'm going somewhere with this.

Giving something to God is coming to a point where you can continously pray for His will to be done instead of your own. If you are praying about something and worrying about something constantly and always asking God to move a certain way, you are limiting what he can do. Okay some cases are a little different. Like I've been praying for salvation for some of my family for so long. I get frustrated sometimes and then I realized i was praying with the wrong attitude.
I was praying like this:
"God, i pray for salvation over Bob (random name here). Lord, he needs you. Send someone to break through his barriers. Take down his walls and let him see you for who you are, God."
While that's all good and fine, i wasn't asking God to do whatever it takes to let the person see and recieve true salvation. I wasn't letting God move. In my attitude, I was telling God what to do. I hope this is making sense to y'all cause it's kinda difficult to explain this revelation from the Lord, but I believe that here in America and even all across the globe, we need to start praying "Your kingdom come, Your will be done!" Not our way, but His!:)
So, let Him have it... But the right way with the right attitude.

Model Mayhem

Picture a stereotypical model in your head. Think of how they do certain things to look just right in front of everyone else but they're probably broken at night. Get a good image of this person in your mind because this is you.

We do this to our spiritual lives. We prep and glam up our spiritual selves to make ourselves appear spiritually solid. We work so hard at focusing our attention on what we look like to others verses what we look like to God. It's like a relationship that's all about the popularity. Like a marriage that's all political. We want others to see how well we are doing in our "relationship" with God. But at this point, can we even call it a relationship? If we are only spending time with Him so that others will see and think that we have it all together, is it really what you're claiming it to be? Don't be a model that starves your spirit. Be a real person who spends time with the Father.

Blessed and Stressed

As a YPK, I always had stress, even as a kid. I've dealt with anxiety since.. well, I can't even tell you when. Life just always got complicated and I thought of myself as a crybaby because I cried so much due to stress. Even though God blesses me daily and feels me with overflowing joy that is beyond comprehension, I still lose sight of Him sometimes and I become focused on things around me. I lose sight of what God has given me and focus on what I think I need. That's actually a tactic that the devil uses. John Bevere, in his book "Good or God" addresses this issue. He states that in the Garden of Eden, the devil got Eve's focus off of the things that the Lord had given her and had her focus on the one thing that looked 'good' that was denied to her: the tree of knowledge of good and evil. That's what happens to us as PKs and even youth pastors. We allow the devil room to get our eyes off of the One who really matters. We are really too blessed to be stressed. God has given us so much. He gave His life so that we can be free.
Philippians 4:6-7 says, " Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."